Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Le Sigh

I have the first post in a two-part series all ready to go.  It's about dealing with a tiny apartment.  It was fun to write and I enjoyed my little memory trip through my previous apartments.

But I feel it would be dishonest to not acknowledge that I am something of a mess right now.  Work has been rotten for the past month (that's right, from before the holidays and straight through until now).  The Bee is at a stage where she wants to tell us things but can't talk, and no amount of signing is going to completely relieve that.  There is also the fact that sometimes when we do know exactly what she wants, we have to tell her no.  No, we can't stand in the windowsill for half an hour.  No, we can't do nothing but watch videos of you.  No, you can't stand up on top of the changing table.  I try as much as possible to create an environment where I get to say "yes" more than "no," but unfortunately the world is full of things a toddler wants to do and can't, whether due to safety or ability reasons.  For the past few days there has been a lot of whining, and some crying, which is extremely stressful.  She has also been taking one nap a day because of what an ordeal helping her to sleep for two naps a day can be.  Plus, she will sometimes wake up possibly in a mood more foul than when she went to sleep.  We're adjusting to that, and between 3:00PM and 5:00PM she isn't the most pleasant of companions.


It's getting better, though.  The big audit by a certain pseudo-Federal mortgage agency will be over today - and hey, what's the worst that happens, I get fired and collect unemployment?  (I'm not saying I've done anything to deserve being fired.  I actually do my job pretty well, but I know that sometimes someone has to be blamed.)  The Bee has actually played by herself for decent stretches yesterday and today.  ("By herself" means on the other side of the gate while I work at the computer.)  She slept wonderfully last night, from about 7:30 until I went to bed at 11:00 (she only woke up then because I got into bed and dislodged her from her diagonal sprawl).  Little by little I am getting back to normal.

The real problem is that I need to find another job, where the stress level is a little bit more appropriate to the pay scale (currently, the stress level is much higher than is warranted by my meager earnings).  I am looking.  I do not, will not, leave the Bee (except with her father).  We have no family here and I cannot imagine leaving her with a stranger at this point.  I have long-term plans that are satisfying - going to get my MLS (Master's Degree in Library Science, unsure of the concentration), being crafty, having more kids - but this part right now is tough.

I need to sit down and work on achievable, short- and long-term action points that will Make It Better.  For now, though - I've got a clean apartment and a play date tomorrow, a sleeping baby who ran around naked before bath time much to the amusement of The Husband and myself, some chilled sake and a waiting Kindle, and that makes me happy.

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